I was in a mall on Saturday (Springhill Mall in West Dundee, IL) and was walking towards an exit when I heard a man doing this weird yell/talk thing. He was saying, “I’m THREE stores away and I can STILL hear them. THEY should SHUT UP!” I thought he was just a crazy guy, but he walked into a Tiffany Lamp store and went behind the counter. I realized he was talking about a couple of kids with their parents in a Zales Jewelry store up at the corner. The kids were playing and it wasn’t like they were just screaming at the top of their lungs, they were just being kids. As I walked past the lamp store, I told the guy that I had been three stores away when I heard him.

Then the guy who worked at Zales walked past me and just lit into the Tiffany lamp guy, telling him that if he didn’t keep his fucking mouth shut he would file a complaint with security. This was going to be a mall fight, I realized.

Quickly, I ran to the Hot Topic and told the pierced people there that the preppies at American Eagle were talking shit about them. I ran to American Eagle and told them the same about Hot Topic. I riled up the black girls at Deb by telling them the Express girls were laughing at them.

Everything was perfect. The Chinese Food people were pissed at the Indian Food people and it was clear the Chicago Sandwich shop had just about enough of the Convenience store of tomorrow.

Soon, all the employees emptied all the stores and it was like that scene from The Warriors where each gang had its own unique look. Only the kiosk people, who stuck together, did not really have a good theme. Sunglass hut, Peircing Pagoda, and Dakota watches…not a good mesh.

Surprisingly, the mall walkers struck first in a flash of sateen work out pants and white tennis shoes. They fell on the Disney Store people who were none too cheerful when they got up and clubbed one of the geezers with a Mickey Mouse lamp.

The AE folks pulled at the HT people’s gauges. The HT people struck back with spiked denim pants. The folks at Spencer’s attacked the crew from J. Crew with dildos and mugs with funny sayings on them.

It was horrific. Finally the fat security guys got things calmed down. I bought an Auntie Anne’s pretzel and skedaddled.

And up until Hot Topic comes into play, this story is true.